June 19, 2016
Today, I finally found the courage to write to you about my loss, yes, losing you. Since you left, life has stopped. To no end, the sorrow dominates my heart, mind and physical well-being – consuming, paralyzing, unforgiving sorrow. Many questions come to mind – Are you happy where you are? Why did you leave me? How about me and Harper and Shirley who are missing you so much?
A year ago we did so many wonderful things in our lovely home – new paint inside and outside, new kitchen, improved backyard. Moving around them without you gives me such sadness. The roses suddenly gave up, while the hydrangeas became too slow with their blooms. No trips, no shopping.
Waking up every day has become too much of an effort that Harper is very upset. He expects you to show up but decided that he’ll be the man of the house, more protective than ever of me and Shirley.
A young couple fell in love with our home. Not surprising because our home is filled with the aura of love for each other. In every corner, there is an imprint of our presence, mutual bond, pride and joy, to live each day, intertwined by every fiber of our heart.
Durgesh and Bakul invited some of the neighborhood friends for lunch at the place to say goodbye to us. Very sad time to leave this place after many years of waving to our neighbors, decorating at Christmas, elections at our garage and you knowing all the dogs and their owners.
Nice time to bond with Mon and Lety in their neighborhood except Harper seems to question why we are not home. He misses the grassy areas to walk on and sniff and quite unhappy walking on concrete sidewalks, not too good on his paws.
At the moment, we’re staying at Durgesh and Bakul’s home while they are away on vacation. From the window I can see our yard with the roses, hydrangea and gladiola blooms, apple tree and the beautiful arbor. Suddenly, they don’t have much meaning anymore without you and me in it.
Friday was Shirley’s birthday, not in the mood for celebration, she says, reflecting on last year’s trip to the Giants game and dinner at Delancey Street Restaurant and the many celebrations we’ve had.
Today is Father’s Day. I happened to glance at the card section at Walgreen’s and cried, staring at cards for my loving husband. You know how much I love cards – love, sentimental, funny – love giving them. It breaks my heart that you won’t be standing at church when Fr. Ray gives blessings to all the fathers.
As Harper and I walked this morning, we paused at an area with steps toward the hill, picturing those steps as staircase to heaven. As before, I cried talking to you and God, birds flying, as if feeling my pain, whispering in my heart that as tomorrow and more tomorrows come, darkness will turn into light, lonely days and nights will turn into joy. Until then, my love, pray to keep me strong to survive this indescribable sorrow. Happy Father’s Day!